October 20

"Do I have an eating disorder?"

That’s the question I just asked myself. After a few minutes of semi-serious contemplation, I decided NO, I do not have an eating disorder. But I do have some sorta questionable eating habits that fuck with my mind. Namely, I don’t really eat during the daytime. At least not during work days. This isn’t intentional; I’m just busy, lazy, and poor. I’ve brought the topic up many times to friends, and they all seem to be on the same boat. We don’t eat until we get home. Then, if we have the energy to cook something, we cook something. If we don’t have the energy, we order something. If we don’t have the money to order something, we drink instead. That’s the  big secret. That’s the LA diet no one ever tells you about. That’s what we’re all doing. 

Health issues aside, the problem with this sketchy ass diet is it makes you kinda sad. Like by 4pm or so, if I haven’t eaten, the sads start to set in. I know there is so much more to do but I feel so tired and sad and weak I can’t really fathom doing things. So I make excuses, and write easy articles that no one will read about gingham or oversized scarves, and count the seconds until I can go home and eat something.

But by the time I get home, I’m too tired to eat. So I just lay there and pray for the strength to do what I want to do. 

I don’t really care about being thin. That’s not why I do this. To be frank (and obnoxiously blunt) I will be thin no mater how much I eat. It’s one of my few talents, being thin. I used think that being thin was the most powerful thing about me. Thin used to be my best quality, back when I was too scared to show any quality other than thin to the world. I got over that after college, although in hindsight, it was true for a while. 

Today, like most days, I didn’t eat and got sad. So I spent $7(!!) on a hot dog and chips in a personal experiment to see if eating made life more bearable. To my great consternation, I feel significantly better. I can write. I don’t want to curl up and be tired. OK I do, but in a manageable way. 

I have to do so so many things. I have to pay rent. I have write a script. I have to write an article. I have to vacuum. I have to sell. I have to charm. I have to eat. I have to I have to I have to I have to. 

I have to eat when i have to eat. I have to eat what I do not enjoy but what gives me strength. I have to take care of myself. 

I have so many I have tos it makes me want to scream.